Kelsey's - the unexpected front runner!

Kelsey’s – Burgers Gone Wild

Okay so I feel like I sold out a little bit by going to Kelsey’s, but I’m a suckers for good advertising and I had heard their “burgers gone wild” add on the radio which seriously intrigued my taste buds.  They’re promoting a new "Holy Blank Burger" its a 7 layer burger, with double stacked sirloin patties, a toasted pretzel bun, four cheese spinach dip, spiced nacho beef, crisp leaf lettuce, sliced tomatoes and Cajun dusted onion straws, all served with zesty sour cream and fries. This burger was a tackle for even an experienced burg-connoisseur like myself, they give some eating instructions any amateur would be wise to take, like cutting it in half and squishing it down.  It was surprisingly awesome, I think I may be a little impartial because I happen to have an unhealthy obsession with their spinach dip, but overall a really tasty experience! I choose a can of Strongbow cider to accompany this monster, the fruitiness of the cider along with the Cajun dusted onion straws lead to a mouth-watering flavor combination.  I feel like these chains are always overpriced for the kind of quality you get but this time I really didn’t feel so ripped off paying just over 25$ for my meal and a cider. Kelsey’s you out did yourself my old friend, I will definitely be back to enjoy this one again!

Burgs and Beers scale giving these 7 layers of fun a 4 fry!  

Wimpys Diner - a no go

Wimpys Diner - BEWARE 

I remember going to Wimpys when I was a kid, sipping on root beer floats and thinking it was the greatest place ever! The one in my town had a fire and burnt down and I really didn’t think there were any more around till I found one in downtown Guelph.  One slightly hung over afternoon we decided to venture in and give my childhood hero joint a second try.  I obviously chose their biggest burger which promised one pound of 100% pure beefy goodness.  After the excruciatingly long wait, and two Caesars later some sort of football looking slab of god knows what was placed in front of me.  This was honestly the funniest most pathetic looking thing I’ve ever seen in my life, and I swear to you I was not even that buzzed.  The “patty” if you want to call it that, is actually in the shape of a football, and placed between buns that were about an eighth of its size.  The ridiculously small buns made eating this thing almost impossible.  Actually I retract my last statement I’m pretty sure although the small buns contributed to the inability to eat it, the fact that the “meat” was a similar consistency to my leather boots probably had more to do with the in-edibility of this horrendous thing. This was an awful meal; I ordered two more Caesars to make up for my lack of protein for lunch and left this place never ever wanting to return. 

Wimpys takes the title of most inedible piece of “meat” earning it a 0 on my Burgs and Beers scale. 

Webers - best burg

Webers – summer lovin’

Summer time is the most wonderful time of the year, taking a weekend getaway into cottage country to sit by a lake and drink copious amounts of brews is my idea of heaven.  The only thing better then lying on a sunny dock in the middle of the wilderness is the long drive up to the cottage.  I know this sounds bizarre, who likes to sit in a hot sweaty car during rush hour to get down to Muskoka? Well I do, but only because about twenty minutes onto highway 11 is this burger pit called Webers, that may take the title of best burger ever.  Webers makes a simple no fuss burger, with a few toppings and tasty bun, so what on earth can make this the best tasting burg? They burgs are cooked on a charcoal grill, you can literally smell the aroma miles away, its sensational! This place is so notorious for their tasty treats they had a bridge built over the highway so people coming from both directions can get some grub.  It’s crazy busy there always, I have literally never seen the line not come out of the doors, but they have concord the craziness with a pretty flawless system.  It’s a cash only joint, where kids go down the line taking your order and getting it ready so by the time you’re at the front it’s fresh and ready to go. They now sell Webers burgers year round at Loblaw grocery stores, but honestly nothing beats one made on these grills.  This summer if you haven’t already been, Webers is well worth the road trip!

Burgs and Beer scale Webers rains supreme with a five fry.

Five Guys Burgers and Fries - maybe not the burgers though...

Five Guys Burgers and Fries - and fries and fries 
I had been hearing about this joint for a while, and when one opened up close enough I decided to give it a go.  The restaurant makes me feel like I was a kid again, they have giant bags of peanuts you can eat, and although your probably not supposed to throw them on the ground (which we did as kids) it was a good trip to memory lane. I went with a bacon cheese burger, surprise surprise.... Honestly it was decent, but pretty much two big pieces of moderate quality beef, that was over cooked and overly greasy.  I would not call this place a complete bust though, their fries may be the greatest fries any burger place has ever created.  These greasy potato sticks are seasoned with their signature "Cajun spice", I could probably eat about 5 pounds of those beauties alone. Apparently they use peanut oil as their frying agent, seems to be the key secret ingredient for that amazing flavor profile!  Again being a fast food place they don't serve beer, plus they don't have any fancy milkshakes to make up for their poor choices in beverages, a double negative.  This place lacks in selection for drinks and toppings, yes granted they have "a lot" of toppings to choose from, nothing really stands out from what you would expect on any burger.  I wish I could rate the fries and burger separately for this one, because truthfully the fries I will return for, but everything else was underwhelming, and I probably would eat a cardboard box before eating another one of those burgers.
Overall this place is an overpriced dud, but I will return for the fries... and the fries alone.  Sorry Five Guys, but you get a 2 1/2 on my burgs and beer scale, see yah wouldn't want to be yah.

Turtle Jacks - big wing bust

Turtle Jacks - Big Wing Burger

Red meat or white meat, I do not discriminate. Charred, fried , grilled, doesn't matter how it got between those buns, as long as I leave feeling satisfied, a burger is a burger including one that used to have wings. Turtle jacks is known for their delectable wings, and when I saw a "big WING sandwich"  I figured I'd skip the red meat freak I've been in and go for some fried chicken on a bun.  You can pick your sauce but there's really no choice in the matter, Extreme New York butter is the one and only way to go.  Its a hybrid mix of franks red hot sauce and butter, yes, pure butter. Pretty much the greatest combination since PB and J, it creates an explosion of flavor in your mouth, and gives the breading a slightly seared buttery crust.  I've had this "burger" on two occasions, the first time was like losing my virginity, an experience to remember, however the second time just didn't measure up.  The bun was stale, and the chicken was fried for too long, leaving it overly greasy and seriously failing my primary expectations.  Both times I opted for a light lager knowing this sammy packs a little heat. MGD is a favorite of mine and they always have that on draft served in a frosty glass.  Unfortunately having a less then perfect second experience with my big wing sandwich has given me a little skepticism on my original judgement, maybe I was just super hungry, or maybe they decided to hire a 13 year old to cook my meals from now on? A little over priced considering my bad second experience  but I likely will be back, maybe trying just plain old wings.

I give this bust a 3 fry score on the Burgs and Beers scale.

Krispy Kreme Burger .....enough said

The CNE – Krispy Kreme Burger

If I was to die tomorrow and could choose my final breakfast, lunch and dinner, without a doubt in my mind I would eat a Krispy Kreme Burger for all three meals.  This mouth-watering, artery clogging, beautifully disgusting concoction I first discovered at the Canadian National Exhibition.  The food tent at most carnivals and exhibitions are known to be filled with ample fried goodies, but this morsel of heaven tops any kind of fast food snacks I have ever had the pleasure of tasting.  In between two fresh Krispy Kreme doughnuts is a salty processed beef patty, topped with succulent bacon strips and la piece de résistance a fried egg.  The sweet donut mixed with the salty bacon, juicy beef patty and rich yolk has given rise to an artistic flavor profile that would make Michael Angelo’s Sistine chapel look like a kindergarten painted it. As for the beer, I am often found drinking whatever domestic pints there serving at the CNE for the majority of the day, but when I am actually enjoying this burger there is no beverage in the world that can complement these flavors enough.  I truly believe this is what god intended each and every one of us to be put on the planet and eat.  I do feel a slight moral obligation to warn anyone wishing to try this burg, they will fall in love, but as it may possible be the unhealthiest combination on the planet it should be eaten in moderation!

I give this sensation a 10 fry (yes…. That’s 10 out of 5) on the burg and beer scale! 

D’onaldos – fine dining

D’onaldos – The Elite Burger Club

This luxurious but expensive burger is only for the most distinguished pallets…. Just kidding its McDonalds, the place where trash and class are synonymous. I know everyone on the plant has had the honor, or horror, of eating at this pit, and although I would now consider myself a connoisseur of sorts old habits die hard and sometimes going back to your roots can be a sweet sensation.  During my more frugal, and possibly hung-over days of the summer nothing beat the ultimate sand-sation of combining a $1.39 McDouble “dressed like a mac” with a $1.39 Jr Chicken.  This flavor savor along with some hot overly salty fries gave rise to some of the best lunch’s of my short lived life thus far.  The key is going during prime hours. Yes the wait is not always fun but the reality is you’d never wait more than 10 minutes and the fast turnover of customers means always hot and relatively fresh food.  Nothing is worse than McDicks after its turned cold, so the key is speed when devouring one of these feasts.  If you are one of those lucky souls who reside in close proximity to a McDonalds, I suggest doing a drive through, and pairing your salty snacks with a Moosehead lager back at home.  A slightly hoppy beer is a surprisingly good balance against the high fat, high sodium content that all McDonalds food must contain.  Note that these highly processed meals are only meant for those with steal lined stomachs, and food comas will likely follow any and all consumption. 

On the burg and beer scale depending on the day and time, this fast food experience can range anywhere from a 1-5 fries! 

Troys Diner - Hidden Gem

Troys Diner 

This old school 50s style diner located in the heart of downtown Milton is a hidden gem that any out of towner should discover.  The diner could easily be mistaken for a Coca-Cola museum, it is littered with old school Coca-Cola bottles and other paraphernalia, to see this just itself warrants the drive down to Milton.  I choose the Troy’s Ultimate Burger, a whopping one pound of juicy lean ground beef burg, topped with fresh mushrooms, sautéed red onions, peameal bacon, mozzarella cheese and BBQ sauce. Dislocating your jaw would be the only way to get down this beast in one bite; I opted for a knife and fork to tackle this burg.  The bun was fresh and slightly toasted, but the beef was the highlight on this one, juicy doesn't even begin to describe this one pound patty. There beer list was slightly lacking, just a few domestic options didn't really inspire my beer-buds.  I opted for a Coca-Cola, It felt almost wrong to order anything else in this Coca-Cola inspired diner.  Overall this was a stellar experience, I noticed an all-day breakfast including eggs benny with a house-made holidays sauce on the menu, I will be back to try that one, and if its anything like this extreme burger I am sure I will not be disappointed.  My flavorful and filling lunch, including a museum like experience all cost me under 18$, I still feel like I should have been paying them.

I give this local Milton hideaway a 4 ½ fries on the burg and beer scale!

The works - options galore

The Works Gourmet Burger Bistro 

BEWARE not for the undeceive burger enthusiast! With hundreds of different burger options and combinations there is something to satisfy anyone’s taste buds, however loving all things food makes the meal time decision making task a hard one.  I choose the works original best seller “Smokey Mountain” which topped my quarter pound ground beef patty with Smokey BBQ sauce, jack cheese & bacon strips. I decided the original beef patty, but they also had options like lean elk which I will be back to try for next time.  Overall first bite was unbelievable, the smokiness of the sauce and bacon made my mouth feel like it was visiting a good ol’ fashion texas style smoke house. I choose to pair this one their Amber lager “barking squirrel” the odd name surprisingly made sense after a taste.  The barking squirrel ale has a subtle peppery spiced finish, it was a perfect complement to an almost perfect lunch.  Reasonably priced at just around 25$ for a couple pints and a burg, this is a game changer for a Sunday funday.  Only downside was the ridiculous glasses they served Guelph’s finest water in, a 2L measuring cup make drinking my water sipping an awkward experience. 

 Burgs and Beers scale I’d give this a solid 4 ½ fries

Licks - Sauce Boss

Licks Homeburger and Ice cream

Sauce, sauce and more sauce! This fast food joint has mastered the ultimate burger compliment with their “Guk” sauce.  Guk is like a hybrid of mayo, relish, garlic and a little “something-something” thrown in there, making it a one of a kind burger meat treat.  I got a homeburger (ground beef) and loaded on the “Guk”. Being a fast food joint beer was not on the menu, however if you feel like living dangerously their chocolate shakes are thick and delicious upgrade from simple pop.  Also since beer wasn't on the menu, I choose to get my calories elsewhere and opted for a side of Taters n’ cream, which topped my fries with sour cream, bacon, cheddar cheese and onions.  Truthfully my upgraded side wasn't worth the extra few dollars, the fries were a little KFC-like, and left me feeling underwhelmed.  Overall the sauce is the highlight of my visit, a slightly stale burger bun, stingy fries, no beer and the fact that they sing your order in some sort of kindergarten dialect around the restaurant made me feel more like I was in a carnival then a burger joint.  On the positive side this so called “Guk” sauce can be purchased in the restaurant or even in the grocery store! I will likely be purchasing a lifetime supply of Guk and replacing my Franks red hot by putting that s#!t on everything!

A moderately priced, moderately annoying, and moderate meat and bun leaves me giving licks a score of 3 fries.